Rejection hurts like Hell and it doesn’t stop.

Rejection hurts. It really does. I have never felt a rejection that has made me question how good I am at my job. Never. It hurts to be slammed against the wall and knocked to the ground. It constricts your breathing and you are in gut-retching shock. That is how I feel. I tried to overcome and question this rejection but the problem is, they don’t care. They have turned their back and shut me down. Turned my humanity switch off. I am not worth their time, I am not worth their pay. There is more people out there who are better than you, so you can fuck right off.

SHAME SHAME SHAME brings PAIN PAIN PAIN.

I feel all those disgusting feelings; jealousy, rage, anger, frustration, an intense sense of fragility and the worst of is I label myself as a shitty teacher. To not be told this straight up or just not be called back is belittling to a recurring or a new teacher. ‘I am not good enough’ crushes my bones. I’ve tried to fit in and become accustomed. I’ve formed relationships with children but apparently that doesn’t even matter. You have one pretty fucked up day and you are thrown on the streets like the lady of the night.

What makes a good teacher succeed? Support. I don’t get that. My title doesn’t get that. Jane Doe doesn’t even get that. Just a broom to the arse and swept away. Imagine you were a Vet and your job was to save a beloved pet cat who has just been hit by a car. You wouldn’t lose your job if you couldn’t save the cat?
Well don’t fucking fire me for a child who got angry and lost it. It couldn’t be controlled just like the cat on the verge of death couldn’t be rescued. Where is the fucking support? Why do I feel upset and angry whenever I teach now? One mistake? No redemption. No explanation. It hurts.
I can’t even begin to think how I can move past this. When I wanted an apology, it wasn’t even given. It wasn’t even a thought.
How can you run a school when you can’t support the people who try hard for your kids? We love and respect your kids and get fucked over with? How are you a decent human being?

I have so much anger within my heart and I hate it. To hate what I do is the biggest heartache of the century. I hate it and it isn’t going away anytime soon.

Photo Credit:

Susan N Jarvis

Will I fall through the cracks?

Interview. One of the most horrific words in the English Language.

The word that makes you forget absolutely everything about your life.

Am I married? Do I have one or four kids? What’s my profession? It all goes out the window.

It shouldn’t be that hard. But it is. People are scary. But a Professional Interviewer is terrifying.

The attire in itself is a struggle. Trying to find clothes that could suit a particular kind of interview. Do I wear heels? Do I wear a skirt or pants? Is it too hot for a jacket? Hair up or down? Makeup yes or no?

When it’s all sorted and you still feel uncomfortable, it’s that walking in that you feel the most judged.

Then comes the facial expressions of the interviewer. Fake smiles, awkward handshake, sizing up and down. Then uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. Oh the joys.

I speak with my hands. I find it helps my words flow. It’s how I relate to people.

Sometimes you get the interviewer that looks at your hands with the look of judgement on their face and you feel ashamed.

Face to face interviews suck. I envy anyone that goes through these.

Lucky for me, I have a phone interview today.

The bonus of this phone interview is that it is an “Informal Phone Interview”.

Now my question to this is. What in hell is an Informal Phone Interview?

Well let’s see then.

30 mins later…

Informal Interviews. It just felt like I was having a decent conversation with dad or the best friend.

It was comforting to reflect on the fact that my agent can help me feel relaxed in a scary situation.

I reflected on my experience with one of my favourite schools and I was able to talk about the kids, my teaching and my experiences.

I loved the interview.

So eye opening

So reflective

So inspiring

All interviews need to be like this. It shows the interviewees true self if they are comfortable in the situation.

Leah Busque says “Hiring’s tough. It’s not just filtering through hundreds of applications and blocking out big chunks of your day for interviews – those are the simple parts. The difficult thing is the nagging feeling that, despite your best efforts, the perfect candidate will somehow fall through the cracks”.

We will if we can’t think. If we are scared. Nervous. Falling through the cracks. Going insane. Back into the hunt. 

So make it informal and realistically comforting.

That way you won’t fall through the cracks.

Or Charles Barkley states “I don’t think of myself as giving interviews. I just have conversations. That gets me in trouble”. 

Maybe that’s it. Trouble. Be yourself or get in trouble.

Which should we choose? Obey or live freely? Get accepted or denied?

We live in such a rule bearing society.

It needs to change. 

  • thoughtsofablackandwhitecat (Jan 22nd 2017) 

A Leap of Faith only makes sense to you

Jennifer Elisabeth- “Starting over can be the scariest thing in the entire world, whether it’s leaving a lover, a school, a team, a friend or anything else that feels like a core part of our identity but when your gut is telling you that something here isn’t right or feels unsafe, I really want you to listen and trust in that voice.” 

Horacio Jones- “Instead of saying, “I’m damaged, I’m broken, I have trust issues” say “I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.” 

These quotes just mean everything. It’s like saying the sky is above us and we walk on the grass. We smell the flowers and eat the fruit off the trees. It is something that makes sense and is right. I can read a book and understand why Belle fell in love with the Beast. I can listen to a song and understand why the bridge is nothing but harmony. I know that whatever works, it works for a reason.

The New Year for me was different. I wanted to start over from 2016 but I didn’t know what I was changing. I knew that this year was going to be fantastic and different but I wasn’t sure where that spark came from. A friend once said ‘You are young girl, take opportunities and go. Go and have a big adventure. Go and be amazing’.

I spent the last 23 years treading quietly hoping not to disrupt the sleeping bear or the prowling lion. It was hard sneaking around everyone else. I felt timid and quiet in all aspects even though I was told I was talkative and friendly. I didn’t feel it. I felt trapped in a body that didn’t want to achieve any goals. Not any goals I thought were worthy of achieving.

This year I decided to choose a goal that I thought was good. It’s a quote from Martin Luther King: 

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step”.

 

My first leap of faith was to choose a job. An opportunity arose where I could move overseas and start not anew but again in a different place. I decided to take that new found confidence and leave my family behind. It is not something I would have done in 2016 but I must take the first step of faith to achieve my dreams. I am moving to Cambridge in September. Originally my dream has always been to work in Scotland but unfortunately sometimes we need to tweak our dreams for it to be a reality. Cambridge is a university city 1 hour NE of London. It is stunning. I actually fell in love with the storybook/ fairy-tale setting and it could be a dream. So I will leave in September unsure of return.

 

The second leap of faith was one that I have never wanted to push myself to achieve. It’s health. I set a goal to walk/run every day for the next month. With a few days off in between (like a cheat day). What I surprised myself was that, I actually love running. I’m not very good at duration but I like running, walking, running, walking and doing other forms of exercise around the park near my house. I am sure people look at me strange BUT with Bruce Springsteen, Rick Springfield and Bon Jovi screaming in my ears to “Born in the USA and Living on a Prayer”, I don’t give two hoots about what others think. I probably look ridiculous running too but who cares. I get hot, red in the face and exhausted but really, I took a leap of faith and I am going to keep going until I reach those bloody stairs. I am going to get fit and I am going to love my body even more.

 

The third leap of faith was just a simple word. Forgive. Forgive the people who you hated in 2016. Forgive the relationships that broke down and left. Forgive the customers at work who were rude and unforgiving. Forgive the parents who lost their temper. Forgive the teachers that made you feel out of place. Forgive the kids who talked back to you.

Forgive

Forgive

Forgiven

 

Henri Nouwen said “Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come”.

I love the way this quote makes you reflect on your choices each day. Perhaps that is one step that needed to be taken after one forgives. It changes their persona. Their idea that life is good if you make it good. Your choices affect your actions. If you choose to walk away from those friends, you will lose them. If it’s a good choice for you, then so be it. If you choose to ignore rude people and keep smiling, at least you haven’t gotten angry and lost it. You have restrained the bear and put a muzzle on him.

But what if that bear could walk freely without a muzzle. What if it was nurtured with love and care and treated as though it was a cub. What would happen then?

I think forgiveness is just like nurturing. You can nurture a plant to reach its full height, you can nurture an animal back to health, you can nurture a friend going through a mental illness.
So I can nurture forgiveness.

It will take time but it is possible to forgive.

Nurture the bear. Throw away the muzzle.

 Look at the sky. Feel the grass between your toes. Eat the apple and toss the core away. Watch it degrade into the grass where your feet once were.

 Feel the sun on your face, melting your skin. See the birds hiding from the cats but mocking them in their native tongue.

It is all your reality. Take time to listen and take a step of faith. It can be small step or a giant leap. Whatever it is, it will make sense.

  • thoughtsofablackandwhitecat

 

wild-bear-in-forest

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alone or Lonely. Which is better?

If someone was to ask me

‘Hey Jess. Do you actually like being alone?’

My answer has always been and will be: Yes.

Yes, I enjoy being by myself. I like being independent. Not worrying about those other stupid little things. It’s one person. Not two, three, four.

But being alone can also be in the category of being lonely. This I do not enjoy. I actually despise the term lonely. Lonely is defined as

“companionless, solidarity, isolated, desolate”

Being lonely is often depicted in novels and films as the ‘planet that no one wants to live at’, ‘ the dreary forest that is terrifying to enter’, ‘ the old lady with twenty cats’, ‘the girl who is dependent on sex to make herself feel good’.

Obviously I am not a forest… 🙂 But this is not me. I am not desperate and I am certainly am not dependent on anyone.

When I say I am content and enjoy being alone; that’s my introvert-ness talking. I am not a big talker, and I enjoy listening rather than talking. If I talk to you, I am comfortable in your presence.

But I would rather spend a night at home watching some cliché romance movie, read a sci fi book about adventure and recklessness, introduce myself to the world of darkness in Skyrim than go out, dressed up, dancing, getting drunk or meeting and hooking up with guys/girls. I prefer the alone time. I am fully and utterly content with this.

But I am lonely. I enjoy the company of my friends. I do. But I pick the ones I spend my time with based on my own interests and that are simple. Is that selfish?

I don’t know if I am lonely for the affections of the significant other. That would mean temptation, up and down relationships, hardships and regretting everything. Relationships are bloody hard. I feel as though dating is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It hurts. It really does.

I recently got out of a heavy, hard and affectionate relationship that was good and it was very emotional and physical. BUT when the person is completely opposite to you,  being alone was a genuine relief. It was a safe haven. For example, when he wanted to Netflix and chill; I just wanted to Netflix.  It was like he was there all the time and then just like that; he never existed. I can’t even remember specific things about him anymore. Is that what moving on is? Forgetting everything?

My sister liked an Instagram photo that said this quote:

Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates. Sleep alone. In the midst of this, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person that makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.

  • Bianca Sparacino

 

I have found myself, I know who I am and I trust I know what I’m doing with my life. Doesn’t that mean I should be content in being lonely?

Maybe being lonely is who I am. Maybe that is what I am supposed to be. What does moving on entail? How does one have that mindset? What do you fill this gap with? Knitting, sewing, looking at pictures of half naked men or women, posting cat pictures on Instagram, uploading at least one selfie a day or going in as many musicals as you can.

I want to clarify. I am NOT the type of lonely where girls post sad pictures and quotes about being depressed and alone in the mushy, sad way.

I think I am okay.  It will be fine. I think I just needed to realise that I actually am lonely. I have accepted that.

Now it’s time to find what makes me completely happy without this big LONELY sign about my head.
Challenge accepted!

The curtain went up and I became an actor.

First night. I was nervous as I put my face on and did my 1912 hair. But as soon as the curtain went up, all fear left me. I was in my element. It was time to act, so I became an actor. This feeling of relief and home overwhelmed me and I felt extremely happy. Although not too happy because my  Iowa stubborn, chip on the shoulder attitude of a River Citizen mother is strict and proper.

I still cannot believe that I got into the Music Man. If you didn’t already know from my advertising, I am in my very first musical and the reason I am sharing it so much is because I am so happy and proud of my achievement and this musical. I want to share it with people. The musical is family friendly and fun. So much fun. Lots of good music and some very fast pickalittle singing. But great costumes. Imagine 1912 costumes. Beautiful. The gloves, the bags, the frocks, the jackets. Gah I love it. I really do. It is stunning.

The hair not so much. Do you know how much hairspray and bobby pins us actresses need to use? Some even got to backcomb the shit out of their hair. It’s a pain but it completes our look. Plaster on the makeup and touch it off with red lipstick and I am stuck in the world of 1912 America.

I just want to also say that this musical has brought something else along that I really needed and am so thankful for it. Friends. I am so grateful for making such beautiful friendships in this cast which I hope will last for a long time. I am especially grateful for my three main pickalittle ladies: Ruth, Sam and Kathy whom I love and have been such a great little pickalittle crew. But the other ladies: Linda, Elissa, Roxy, Karen, Honey and everyone else… (You know who you are), you have been amazing. I love you all so much and am so grateful to have become friends with you. I literally am going to miss them all so much when Music Man is over. We really create our own families. The MM cast is a family. Letting go and moving on will be hard.

My daughters. Oh my beautiful daughters. I will miss you equally as much. Having stage daughters means they will eventually leave and I won’t see them again.Well I may, fingers crossed. They have played a huge role in my life and I honestly don’t know how I will feel when the show is over. The feeling you get when you spend time with your family is great and good but it has to end. That’s when it gets sad.

However, I am grateful overall for my father that sort of pushed me to audition. I am so grateful for his support and his belief in me. This show has changed me. I feel alive and fresh and keen to explore my love for musical theatre by acting and singing on the stage. It is where I belong and it is home. I became an actor even though I never thought I would have the confidence to be one. But I did and it feels amazing.

13872713_1119489214781243_151816072668256358_n

13892236_1119489308114567_3984231242140187281_n

13872927_1119490011447830_3018159209996894896_n

 

I think I take a lot of things in my life for granted.

I think I take so much things in my life for granted. I spend parts of my time realising how lucky I am to be where I am but I also think it has taken lots of guts and hard work to get in this good place.

When I was at school/probably up to a year ago I had pretty bad depression/anxiety. Every day was hard and I had my ups and downs. But I improved drastically halfway through 2015 because I stopped listening to the world and I started to listen to myself. Something that although I still get hate and judgement from, I at least listen to what my heart and my head say. I don’t really understand how people can still be so horrible about petty, stupid, little things. But really, it’s just something maybe they struggle with. I have to accept that.

Now I’m not writing this to bring up old memories but rather to see that I am grateful for how far I have come and being in May 2016 and loving who I am as a person. It makes you wonder why that couldn’t have happened from 0-23.

I definitely take little things for granted. Meals, clothing, shelter.. All those things I am lucky to have living on the Coast in Australia.

But it’s those bigger things I take for granted way more. Living in a place with my sister and her family who took me in, my Mother who although is sick- still takes care of me by providing food and company, having a boyfriend who tells me he loves me every day, being a part of my first musical ever and experiencing new things, making new friends, being a teacher and able to teach kids, having a second job and being able to be in charge every second weekend, not having to cook at night, a Dad who I can watch Rugby with (even though I don’t really want to) but I get to hang out with and he buys me dinner.

It’s a long list but I constantly seem to want more.

  • Mum can you get this for me? Mum can you drop this off? Mum why do you talk too much about things that don’t really matter? Mum stop being annoying..
  • Why am I not getting enough casual work? Why can’t I find a permanent job? Am I not good enough? Most of the people in my year at uni have temp or permanent. What about me? When is it my turn?
  • I need more money to buy a bed (which I did), to buy a house, to support myself for future, to buy more clothes.

I take the simple things and the bigger things for granted.

Maybe it is time to stop. Look and breathe. Take in the surroundings of my life. Look at the trees, the flowers or the clouds and think of the simplicity and its beauty. It’s simple but powerful.

Is that what I need to be? Working at taking a step back from this already fantastic year and reflecting on how good I got it. Don’t get me wrong- I have bad days, I wake up feeling like shit, sometimes I want to punch people in the face, I get angry heaps at stupid little things. But its way better than what it was and I am super happy.

People can make you happy. This past month I have never felt so fantastically happy because of one person. A great person. A beautiful person. A person I am in love with.

But me and me only is what makes me happy. My actions, my words and what I am feeling. Yeah there are things physically I am not loving about myself all the time but its a work in progress. I am grateful I am breathing and I am healthy.

Look at the flowers Jess. Look at the sunsets. At the sea. Take a deep breath and step back.

13296132_1319606058052799_172700577_n

“PAN” is panning out…

I always wonder how prequels are supposed to pan out. I don’t really understand the writer’s approach in carrying out a prequel that tells a different story to what you know.

Today I watched said 2015 film directed by Joe Wright, a film which looks at a forever, classic tale written almost 100 years earlier by the wondrous J. M. Barrie. Of course, the magical, never grow old tale of Peter Pan.

This film debutes, 13 year old Levi Miller who is know as Peter, an orphan growing up in World War Two who desperately wants to find his mother. His mother left him a note stating that she will see him in either this world or ‘another’.

As the special effects take hold, green screens are evident and terrible pauses that make no sense of what is actually happening, we follow Peter as he is captured by the dread pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) and forced to hunt for pixie dust or Pixum.

But who do we meet in the mines with our fellow Pan? Well its none other than James Hook (Garrett Hedlund). He is dashing, corny, cannot flirt to save his skin, a winker,  a lier but overall a lovely friend and counterpart to Peter. He reminds me of Indiana Jones with his cowboy hat, rugged look, and perfectly evident stubble. Not the Captain Hook from the 1991 ‘Hook’ with Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman or the 1950s Disney Film as we notice black wig, red getup, hook for a hand. This Hook has a home with his ‘love’ Tiger Lily and his best friend ‘Pan’.

The film ends with Peter rescuing all the boys from the orphanage to go and live in Neverland. Tiger Lily and Hook steer the Jolly Roger towards Neverland and Peter and Nibs are commanding where to go. Peter and Hook exchange conversation that they will always be friends.

BUT NO THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH. THIS IS NOT OK.

Captain Hook hates Pan. Pan cut off his hand and fed it to a bloody, flying crocodile that goes tick. tock. Hook captures Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily is like a child.

Why did I just watch a film I bought for $19.95 for Pan and Hook who are allies and obviously will grow their friendship but in reality they are sworn enemies. Why do the people who made this film think it was the best way to bring a prequel to adoring Peter Pan fans?

To make matters worse, I fell in love with Hook and Pan and their friendship. But it was all for nothing. Nothing. Why?? Why??

Ok, there are some good attributes to this story. The plot was upsetting when little Pan started to cry when he saw his dead mother come alive from the bodies of fairies. Pirate ships could fly, Cara Delevingne is beautiful as three mermaids- Hook was over the moon when he saw three. I wonder what his thoughts were. Tiger Lily’s people were vibrant, colourful and they even burst into colourful dust when killed. The tribe was made up of different ethnicities as the main tribal leader was Aboriginal but Tiger Lily had an American Accent. It was interesting…

Apparently there is a Pan 2 taking hold or in development. I am curious to see if they decide to tell the story of why Pan and Hook are enemies. To tell the truth, I am more disappointed than anything. A wonderful story with so many majestic plot twists and colourful, charismatic characters. It is constantly being changed and remodelled for every single director or writer.

I wonder what will be next.

The Untold Story of why Smee wears baggy pants…