Rejection hurts. It really does. I have never felt a rejection that has made me question how good I am at my job. Never. It hurts to be slammed against the wall and knocked to the ground. It constricts your breathing and you are in gut-retching shock. That is how I feel. I tried to overcome and question this rejection but the problem is, they don’t care. They have turned their back and shut me down. Turned my humanity switch off. I am not worth their time, I am not worth their pay. There is more people out there who are better than you, so you can fuck right off.
SHAME SHAME SHAME brings PAIN PAIN PAIN.
I feel all those disgusting feelings; jealousy, rage, anger, frustration, an intense sense of fragility and the worst of is I label myself as a shitty teacher. To not be told this straight up or just not be called back is belittling to a recurring or a new teacher. ‘I am not good enough’ crushes my bones. I’ve tried to fit in and become accustomed. I’ve formed relationships with children but apparently that doesn’t even matter. You have one pretty fucked up day and you are thrown on the streets like the lady of the night.
What makes a good teacher succeed? Support. I don’t get that. My title doesn’t get that. Jane Doe doesn’t even get that. Just a broom to the arse and swept away. Imagine you were a Vet and your job was to save a beloved pet cat who has just been hit by a car. You wouldn’t lose your job if you couldn’t save the cat?
Well don’t fucking fire me for a child who got angry and lost it. It couldn’t be controlled just like the cat on the verge of death couldn’t be rescued. Where is the fucking support? Why do I feel upset and angry whenever I teach now? One mistake? No redemption. No explanation. It hurts.
I can’t even begin to think how I can move past this. When I wanted an apology, it wasn’t even given. It wasn’t even a thought.
How can you run a school when you can’t support the people who try hard for your kids? We love and respect your kids and get fucked over with? How are you a decent human being?
I have so much anger within my heart and I hate it. To hate what I do is the biggest heartache of the century. I hate it and it isn’t going away anytime soon.
Susan N Jarvis