If someone was to ask me
‘Hey Jess. Do you actually like being alone?’
My answer has always been and will be: Yes.
Yes, I enjoy being by myself. I like being independent. Not worrying about those other stupid little things. It’s one person. Not two, three, four.
But being alone can also be in the category of being lonely. This I do not enjoy. I actually despise the term lonely. Lonely is defined as
“companionless, solidarity, isolated, desolate”
Being lonely is often depicted in novels and films as the ‘planet that no one wants to live at’, ‘ the dreary forest that is terrifying to enter’, ‘ the old lady with twenty cats’, ‘the girl who is dependent on sex to make herself feel good’.
Obviously I am not a forest… 🙂 But this is not me. I am not desperate and I am certainly am not dependent on anyone.
When I say I am content and enjoy being alone; that’s my introvert-ness talking. I am not a big talker, and I enjoy listening rather than talking. If I talk to you, I am comfortable in your presence.
But I would rather spend a night at home watching some cliché romance movie, read a sci fi book about adventure and recklessness, introduce myself to the world of darkness in Skyrim than go out, dressed up, dancing, getting drunk or meeting and hooking up with guys/girls. I prefer the alone time. I am fully and utterly content with this.
But I am lonely. I enjoy the company of my friends. I do. But I pick the ones I spend my time with based on my own interests and that are simple. Is that selfish?
I don’t know if I am lonely for the affections of the significant other. That would mean temptation, up and down relationships, hardships and regretting everything. Relationships are bloody hard. I feel as though dating is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It hurts. It really does.
I recently got out of a heavy, hard and affectionate relationship that was good and it was very emotional and physical. BUT when the person is completely opposite to you, being alone was a genuine relief. It was a safe haven. For example, when he wanted to Netflix and chill; I just wanted to Netflix. It was like he was there all the time and then just like that; he never existed. I can’t even remember specific things about him anymore. Is that what moving on is? Forgetting everything?
My sister liked an Instagram photo that said this quote:
Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates. Sleep alone. In the midst of this, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person that makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.
- Bianca Sparacino
I have found myself, I know who I am and I trust I know what I’m doing with my life. Doesn’t that mean I should be content in being lonely?
Maybe being lonely is who I am. Maybe that is what I am supposed to be. What does moving on entail? How does one have that mindset? What do you fill this gap with? Knitting, sewing, looking at pictures of half naked men or women, posting cat pictures on Instagram, uploading at least one selfie a day or going in as many musicals as you can.
I want to clarify. I am NOT the type of lonely where girls post sad pictures and quotes about being depressed and alone in the mushy, sad way.
I think I am okay. It will be fine. I think I just needed to realise that I actually am lonely. I have accepted that.
Now it’s time to find what makes me completely happy without this big LONELY sign about my head.