I think I take so much things in my life for granted. I spend parts of my time realising how lucky I am to be where I am but I also think it has taken lots of guts and hard work to get in this good place.
When I was at school/probably up to a year ago I had pretty bad depression/anxiety. Every day was hard and I had my ups and downs. But I improved drastically halfway through 2015 because I stopped listening to the world and I started to listen to myself. Something that although I still get hate and judgement from, I at least listen to what my heart and my head say. I don’t really understand how people can still be so horrible about petty, stupid, little things. But really, it’s just something maybe they struggle with. I have to accept that.
Now I’m not writing this to bring up old memories but rather to see that I am grateful for how far I have come and being in May 2016 and loving who I am as a person. It makes you wonder why that couldn’t have happened from 0-23.
I definitely take little things for granted. Meals, clothing, shelter.. All those things I am lucky to have living on the Coast in Australia.
But it’s those bigger things I take for granted way more. Living in a place with my sister and her family who took me in, my Mother who although is sick- still takes care of me by providing food and company, having a boyfriend who tells me he loves me every day, being a part of my first musical ever and experiencing new things, making new friends, being a teacher and able to teach kids, having a second job and being able to be in charge every second weekend, not having to cook at night, a Dad who I can watch Rugby with (even though I don’t really want to) but I get to hang out with and he buys me dinner.
It’s a long list but I constantly seem to want more.
- Mum can you get this for me? Mum can you drop this off? Mum why do you talk too much about things that don’t really matter? Mum stop being annoying..
- Why am I not getting enough casual work? Why can’t I find a permanent job? Am I not good enough? Most of the people in my year at uni have temp or permanent. What about me? When is it my turn?
- I need more money to buy a bed (which I did), to buy a house, to support myself for future, to buy more clothes.
I take the simple things and the bigger things for granted.
Maybe it is time to stop. Look and breathe. Take in the surroundings of my life. Look at the trees, the flowers or the clouds and think of the simplicity and its beauty. It’s simple but powerful.
Is that what I need to be? Working at taking a step back from this already fantastic year and reflecting on how good I got it. Don’t get me wrong- I have bad days, I wake up feeling like shit, sometimes I want to punch people in the face, I get angry heaps at stupid little things. But its way better than what it was and I am super happy.
People can make you happy. This past month I have never felt so fantastically happy because of one person. A great person. A beautiful person. A person I am in love with.
But me and me only is what makes me happy. My actions, my words and what I am feeling. Yeah there are things physically I am not loving about myself all the time but its a work in progress. I am grateful I am breathing and I am healthy.
Look at the flowers Jess. Look at the sunsets. At the sea. Take a deep breath and step back.