So much has happened this year. So many good things and just a little of those terrible things.
I think the stress of getting older and having to be an adult that is responsible and holds their beliefs firmly is daunting. I feel everyday is like I’m stuck in purgatory. Things are going slow and things stop. Life just is a drag. Sometimes.
I feel like people judge you even when you are not there. I feel judged constantly by randoms, passer-bys, by friends. I felt quite alone the past couple of months. And I felt like no one could bring me out of it.
Wondering what the future holds is always going to be daunting. Not knowing what sort of person you will be, or what sort of person you want to be. I find that I want acceptance from others and this is what makes me who I am. But its not. I need to find acceptance in my own self. I need to be my own person. My own identity. I’m sure what that is yet.
Cause I change. I’m a different person from who I was yesterday. I have different beliefs, different ideas, even a different hairstyle.
I find it hard to breathe sometimes. To get up and live my life. To go to work, to be happy, to smile at the customers, laugh. Cause its weird. Is the world about pretence? Is that it? Pretend to be important, pretend to care, pretend to love? What do I gain, if I pretend?
I don’t know what’s going on. I feel stuck and I’m not sure how to get out. I don’t think anyone can help me. But its something I have to do myself, find my own way. Like the song “Go your own way”.
Now that’s in my head.
Don’t worry about me people, not that you are. I’ll get out. I’ll be fine. But at the moment, I’m silent 🙂